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It is in such times that we know we are not doing things because we are terribly efficient, or very clever, or physically in great conduction, but because the answer to our prayer for help has been not a changed circumstance with everything going well, not a removal of pain and suffering, but it has been instead an outpouring of His strength, to do that He would have us do or to simply have a patience (not out own) or a surge of increased trust of Him whereby we may whisper, Lord, I don’t understand this, but I love You and trust You.

Edith Schaeffer

It there ever been a passage that explains the last year, it is this one.

I was raised to believe that Jehovah would make me happy I just DID everything that He said. And if I did everything right, I wouldn’t have to worry because He would fight for me.

This year has taught me that following my God didn’t make me happy…

It made me joyful.

What’s the difference?

To be happy is to be feel free and to have everything fall into place. When things go bad, God (so they say) will help put things place so and I will know what is going on, have full control and all things will work out – all I have to do is go in that direction with full force.

Yeah, no. That is not what God promises. He promises that we will be joyful.

To be joyful is to know that this situation is and have always been a result of a plan that is higher than me and needs an entity higher than me to take care of things. I don’t know what is going on. What I do know is that I have learned to be patient, that I cannot save the world, that I will never have the reasons why I was betrayed and I was called to a place that reminds me that I have not forgiven him and that he will get away with the damage that he caused.

But if I listen and follow and trust and do (there is action that is needed), He would give me constant and strong reminders of his love for me.

He would send me to Servant Church with it’s glorious 70’s styling remind me of all the time spent with my Grande learning how much God loved me.

He would send to Hill House to remind me of the hours studying His Word, getting to know Him.

He would surround me with people once that would reflect His love and allow me serve and to find out the hard way that I was not ready to lead.

When my oldest daughter went to build her own life, He made sure that I saw all the little things that showed that she was listening when I wasn’t looking… all the things that told me she would all right. That was a true comfort.

I said goodbye to a great friend during this time as well… one used to remind me that it wasn’t a sin to love the comics and games that shaped my fantasies and my later written works…

There were several false starts in finding a church home… only because I’m hard headed and knew where I was to go… and I finally made it there.

I finished a year of therapy, which helped me readjust my perspectives and let me rant and rave and kick until I got tired and decided to do things that I knew should have.

And I quit smoking…

I’m writing all of this to say that this was a good year. It was the year that got me strong enough.

To do what?

I don’t know…. But I promise that I’ll tell you as soon as I find out.

The Valley of Vision: a prayer for the New Year

The Valley of Vision is a collection of Puritan prayers that I discovered while worshiping with my friends Scott and Hannah at the Austin Stone. What blew me away was how much power and devotions as delivered in such simple language. Old English aside, this is a prayer that anyone who is truly in love with God and can feel his love for them can understand and relate to.

O Lord,

Length of days does not profit me
Except the days are passed in thy presence,
In thy service, to thy glory.

Give me a grace that precedes, follows, guides,
sustains, sanctifies, aids every hour
that I may not be a moment apart from thee,
but may rely on thy Spirit
to supply every thought,
speak in every word,
direct every step,
prosper every work,
build up every mote of faith,
and give me a desire
to show forth thy praise;
testify thy love
Advance thy kingdom.

I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year,
with thee, O Father, as my harbour,
thee, O Son, as my helm,
thee, O Holy Spirit, filling my sails.

Guide me to heaven with my loins girt,
my lamp burning,
my ear open to thy call,
my heart full of love,
my soul free.

Give me thy grace to sanctify me,
thy comforts to cheer,
thy wisdom to teach,
thy right hand to guide,
thy counsel to instruct,
thy law to judge,
thy presence to stabilize.

May thy fear be my awe,
thy triumphs my joy.

Amen.

In the meantime…

When I looked at the date of the last proper post to this blog and found that it was in February, I asked “What took me so long?”

What am I looking for?

What am I waiting for?

I think I was waiting for the big moments, the things I wanted to declare off the rooftops to show that the path is becoming clear and God is working great things in my life…

Until I remember that those great moments usually show up when I have missed the little things. When I look over the pasts weeks and see that there have been wonderful little things that have happened. Wonderful slices that happiness that filled me up little by little…

That wonderful hug Moe gave me on Mother’s day.
That surprise that Bill gave me on Valentine’s day.
The feeling of warmth and fellowship I feel every time I walk into either the Garbacz’s or the Jerkin’s homes.
How easy it feels to surrender all when I am at the Hill.
Meg and Justin’s texts during the week.
Laying in the back of my car in prayer.
Getting to the point where I can admit that I cannot trust God right now (that is a very good thing as I can’t trust Him until I admit that I can’t)
Being able to get all the pain and anger out, bit by bit…

I know that there is going to be a great work that will come through me…. And I know and God knows where I came from…

The challenge right now is enjoying the meantime, the journey. I want to get there so badly that I can taste it. But I am starting to understand that I can’t get there without the lessons, good and bad, along the way.

So here’s to in the meantime. And I promise that I will share the little things weekly. And a girl is only as good as her word, isn’t she?