I think that reaching 40 and thinking over the last year(s) has clarified not only who I am, but who I am no longer.
I am no longer a fiction writer… yeah, I write the words, but I have no desire to create in that way again. I created a universe that was distroyed by a man I loved and trusted and I know that I will never be able to recreate that world again. Allazar was a universe that I created to escape the pain of a life defined by abuse and the lies that were told to maintain it. It was a world without limits while my life growing up was defined by the strictest of boundaries laid by men in the name of a cruel and petty ‘god’.
I am no longer a pen and paper RPG’r. That was an essential part of my life before. D&D, Champions, White Wolf, ShadowRun, and Marvel helped me escape very dark parts of my life. They were essential in helping a shy and quiet girl connect to a community that was my life here in Austin. But things have changed; I’m not the same girl (I am a woman) and I have a full life that I don’t want to escape from. That, and I prefer video games…lol.
And once I realized that, I’m now responsible for clearing those things out of my life to give room for the woman I really am. So I started in the most logical place…
That was harder than I thought. Going through that space charged strong memories…most of the artifacts there I remember exactly where I was and how I got them. They bring a smile to my face… hard, breath-stealing laughter… and long jags of bitter tears.
One by one, I have removed the things that are no longer part of my life out and each time I can feel my focus sharpen.
I’m still flawed, but I am not stuck. I’ve stopped asking myself what I did wrong and what I could have done. What’s lost is lost. The life I have is so good… I’m highly educated with a career and a job that I love, happily and well married (with inlaws made of awesome), girls that have surprised and delighted me by becoming strong, capable, self-sufficient women. Morgan has been able to work, go to school, and live with a roommate under her own steam. Taylor is on her way… I will be an empty nester with disposable income and time to fill as I please.
My best days are not behind me… my failure to live up to the ideals and goals set in my youth sadden me, but it doesn’t stop me… and it most certainly mean that I can’t create new ideals and goals for my next 40 years.
I am not grasping for the gilded ‘glory’ of my past and I don’t want to relive it. I want to push out of what is comfortable, push out the ruts I have gotten myself into
I want to move onto better things and greater adventures, built on the foundation of lessons learned.
This is the story of my 40th year… Clearing out the old and the dead to nourish the new…