It is in such times that we know we are not doing things because we are terribly efficient, or very clever, or physically in great conduction, but because the answer to our prayer for help has been not a changed circumstance with everything going well, not a removal of pain and suffering, but it has been instead an outpouring of His strength, to do that He would have us do or to simply have a patience (not out own) or a surge of increased trust of Him whereby we may whisper, Lord, I don’t understand this, but I love You and trust You.
It there ever been a passage that explains the last year, it is this one.
I was raised to believe that Jehovah would make me happy I just DID everything that He said. And if I did everything right, I wouldn’t have to worry because He would fight for me.
This year has taught me that following my God didn’t make me happy…
It made me joyful.
What’s the difference?
To be happy is to be feel free and to have everything fall into place. When things go bad, God (so they say) will help put things place so and I will know what is going on, have full control and all things will work out – all I have to do is go in that direction with full force.
Yeah, no. That is not what God promises. He promises that we will be joyful.
To be joyful is to know that this situation is and have always been a result of a plan that is higher than me and needs an entity higher than me to take care of things. I don’t know what is going on. What I do know is that I have learned to be patient, that I cannot save the world, that I will never have the reasons why I was betrayed and I was called to a place that reminds me that I have not forgiven him and that he will get away with the damage that he caused.
But if I listen and follow and trust and do (there is action that is needed), He would give me constant and strong reminders of his love for me.
He would send me to Servant Church with it’s glorious 70’s styling remind me of all the time spent with my Grande learning how much God loved me.
He would send to Hill House to remind me of the hours studying His Word, getting to know Him.
He would surround me with people once that would reflect His love and allow me serve and to find out the hard way that I was not ready to lead.
When my oldest daughter went to build her own life, He made sure that I saw all the little things that showed that she was listening when I wasn’t looking… all the things that told me she would all right. That was a true comfort.
I said goodbye to a great friend during this time as well… one used to remind me that it wasn’t a sin to love the comics and games that shaped my fantasies and my later written works…
There were several false starts in finding a church home… only because I’m hard headed and knew where I was to go… and I finally made it there.
I finished a year of therapy, which helped me readjust my perspectives and let me rant and rave and kick until I got tired and decided to do things that I knew should have.
And I quit smoking…
I’m writing all of this to say that this was a good year. It was the year that got me strong enough.
To do what?
I don’t know…. But I promise that I’ll tell you as soon as I find out.